So I found a new writing challenge that sounds like it would be pretty interesting to take part in. I really enjoyed the last writing challenge that I did and it gave me the chance to write some pretty good, more structured blog posts as opposed to the random crap I usually type out on here. As I have said many a time I absolutely suck at this whole blogging thing and half the time I have no clue what to write; it kinda gives me social anxiety the same as if I were talking to a stranger in public and because of that I do not write as often or regularly as I should. So Each day I am going to write a blog based on the specification for the day. Hopefully you will all enjoy reading my daily posts!
I haven’t written a blog for a long time… in fact, as those who follow my Facebook page will know, I have completely neglected most if not all of my writing duties. A lot has happened to me in the past few months – some good, some bad and some completely devastating.
I started to feel unwell around May time. I was constantly tired and seemed to do nothing but sleep all day. I had literally no energy what so ever. I had previously suffered from a bad flare up of iron and red blood cell deficient anaemia which I am prone to (and let me tell you when that hits me I can literally sleep for 20+ hours a day) so I thought that’s it low iron and blood cells again. I also suffer from poly cystic ovary syndrome which makes you feel like shiz at the best of times so I was preparing for the pain that quite often brings when I am feeling low to kick in. Turns out I was wrong… the sudden throwing up kinda gave away the real reason for my sudden ill health. It was kinda funny yet surreal staring at a positive pregnancy test when for the past 4 years you had been told that the only way you could possibly conceive would be with medical assistance. Oh yeah and I was also on the pill. As you can imagine it was a HUGE shock. I was never planning on having more children so eventually shock turned into panic – how will I cope? What if I get really ill? What if I die? (legit fear as I was told by Drs this was a possibility – albeit a small one – if I did ever conceive again) and I was convinced that my partner would run off and leave me for thinner, better looking, non pregnant women. He didn’t of course, I am just a psycho when pregnant… or not pregnant… Im just generally a crazy person.
Well soon after finding out that I had a little bambino on the way and reality had sunk in, I was really happy and excited about my lil unexpected miracle baby. I couldn’t wait to become a mom again after 6 years! That was the good times; the being happy about my new arrival, going to scans, feeling the little kicks turn into ferocious beatings and having a little foot stuck under my ribs most the time. I didn’t have a very easy pregnancy though, Very early on things started to get complicated. This was the bad times. I was already a high risk due to my previous pregnancy and how ill both myself and my daughter were, but this time I also developed SPD – a very painful pelvic disorder which left me in agony and barely able to walk, gestational diabetes – which completely and utterly sucks. No pregnant, hormonal lady should be denied chocolate… it’s just wrong and unfair! I now completely sympathize with all diabetics for whom this is a daily, life long struggle. I was admitted to hospital for reduced movement and then practically lived there from 28 weeks due to having so many appointments with all kinds of specialists who had to keep a close eye on me and bambino (we had about 8 scans in total), each appointment lasting 4 hours due to my local hospital thinking it’s acceptable to keep moody, over emotional pregnant women with full bladders waiting for over 2 hours in a hot over crowded room!
Whilst I was pregnant my Grandad became very ill and was admitted to hospital after a very nasty fall. This is the start of the completely devastating times. Two weeks before I was due to have my baby by elective csection my Grandad passed away. It was a complete shock, even though deep down we knew there was a possibility it would happen. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I remember the phone call, the moment I broke down in hysterics begging for it not to be true, crying and screaming because I was so heart broken. Why did it have to happen? Why my grandad who I loved dearly? And why, why, why couldn’t he hold on just 2 more weeks so that he could see my baby girl, a baby he had been so looking forward to meeting. There had been a lot of celebrity deaths that month but to me they all faded into insignificance because one of the greatest men in the world passed away … my grandad Jack.
He may not have been well known and there was no news report for him, but to me he was my world and my heart was and still is broken. I really don’t know how I am going to cope without him. He was more than a grandad to me he was like a second dad and I’m going to miss him so much. I still can’t believe it’s true and a part of me refuses to because I want him back so badly it hurts. I love him so much I don’t want him to be gone.
Preparing for my daughters birth was hard after that. It was such a bitter sweet time for me. On one hand I was depressed and mourning the loss of my grandad, but, on the other hand I was so happy and excited to meet my baby girl. My little chunk was born weighing 8lb 10oz (I literally felt the weight lift off me and instantly felt lighter the moment they pulled her out. Baby and the waters combined had weighed so much!). My baby is absolutely gorgeous and perfect though. My grandad would have adored her. Even though he is not here any more he will always be in my heart and I know he is looking down on us.
So, as you can see, the past few months have been hectic and a lot of my time has been occupied by so many other things I just haven’t had chance to do much else. My daughter is now almost 6 weeks old, I have pretty much fully recovered from my csection and although I am still an emotional wreck over the loss of my grandad, my head is a lot clearer and I feel able to start writing again. I WANT to start writing again. I have goals that I have set myself and an overwheming desire to succeed and achieve my dreams.
Thank you for taking the time to read my way too long post. I promise not to babble on too much in future posts!