So yeah… this is a bit of a weird one… I just can’t help but wonder why such a challenge would assume that people would have thought about ending their own lives; I mean it’s not like a normal every day occurrence for most people. For most people this would seem like an absurd, crazy thing to contemplate. Well… I am not most people. I am one of those people who have contemplated such a thing; in fact I have actually acted upon these thoughts… more than once, I am sad/embarrassed/ashamed to admit. I think now, as I have family and friends who read my blog posts (and by that I mean they best be reading my blog posts… I need them to at least feign interest! haha) it would be best if I insert a disclaimer here to say that perhaps those of you who love and care about me and whom may find this hard to read should please stop reading now and read another post….
I have struggled with depression for a long time. It was especially bad during my teenage years. A mixture of hormones and bad life experiences contributed to the darkness that I couldn’t escape from. I turned to self harm as a release. I had good days and I had bad days, but I couldn’t escape the nasty inner voice that constantly belittled me and taunted me; telling me over and over that I was no good, that I was a nobody and that I was completely alone. On one particular day it all got too much for me. I can’t remember what set it off or how/why I ended up alone in my bedroom with a razor blade, crying. What I do remember how ever is taking the blade in my left hand, raising it in the air; and, with eyes tight shut, swinging it down in one fell swoop across my right wrist. Luckily for me I was slightly off target. I still cut. It was still deep. But not fatal. (obviously or I wouldn’t be sat here typing this out, wondering if perhaps it’s a bit too much info and whether I have taken this part of the challenge too far) All at once I felt the release I was hoping for. As weird as it sounds, it felt good – almost euphoric – until I opened my eyes and saw what I had done. I am not going to go in to graphic detail as I feel it’s not needed and I am certain I have already said too much as it is, but lets just say there was a lot of blood. I started to feel light-headed, the surge of adrenaline was starting to wear off and I could feel it slowly draining away. I felt sick; and worse of all I had to go downstairs and explain to my mom what I had just done. It was certainly a low part in my life.
I would like to say that I am fixed now, that I no longer have those thoughts or feelings, but that would be a lie. Don’t get me wrong, I would NEVER try anything like that again and I feel it is my duty to say right now that for any one reading this who may struggle with depression, self harm and suicidal thoughts; PLEASE, I beg of you get help! You are loved, you are wanted, and you are needed in this world! It may not seem like it now but please believe me it DOES get better! There will always be bad days – unfortunately you can not escape those – but there will be so many better days… good days… amazing days! If I had succeeded in my attempt all those years ago I would have never had my two beautiful girls, I would have never had the fun experiences that I have had since and most of all I would have broken the hearts of everyone who ever loved me. My life may not be perfect but I am so grateful to be alive and have the things that I do and the love of my amazing family and friends.
I hope this post didn’t upset or offend anyone. If you are reading this and feel like you are in a bad place and need someone to talk to please comment below as I would hate to imagine anyone going through this alone, and I know that having someone to listen to you without judgement makes all the difference… especially if it is someone who knows and understands what you are going through.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Magnet
Leanne Cooper - Author 